Essay 3 Revisions

Lead-in
Before, my lead in was not as relevant and had a more passive tone. In the revised sentence, I am directly comparing Hitler and the US Government instead of hinting that Hitler, the US Government and Acronyms might be similar. Now the lead-in ties in more to the essay than just stating an opinion.

Thesis
Once again, I changed the language to be less passive, as well as more precise and defined. To say that the three things stated are connected strongly versus an undeniable comparison is a huge difference.

Organization
If the Beyond Feelings example is moved into the paragraph about Hitler, there is less jumping around as far as its relationship to Nazi Germany goes. Before, Ruggiero’s book was its own example, but I referred back to the previous paragraph to use it and made the essay seem to stray off topic. Now its a more steady flow, and allows for use of another example.

Transitions
I changed some key transition words to make the ideas flow logicially. Instead of Hitler’s similar use of euphemisms as the US government being coincidental, its logical. Ironically became the link to the sentence linking

Use of Examples
Once the example from Beyond Feelings was moved, it became more potent. Additionally, now that it is part of the Hitler paragraph, I was able to add a new paragraph that referenced uses of acronyms by the government in another paragraph, giving my three examples in a more logical sequence.

Analysis and Explanations
Moving the Beyond Feelings example caused the analysis and explanation of Nazi Germany to be more thorough and important. Additionally, I added a new example to the two I previously had, and it provides more explanation and analysis on the topic.

Word Choice/Grammar
At many points in my essay, my language is too passive. Instead of stating a point, I am just hinting at possible connections, which makes everything seem less potent and apparent. By changing the language, it makes my lead-in, thesis and use of examples much stronger.

All the changes that I made to the essay that I wrote in class are things that would have been revised had this been just a regular out of class essay. Because I was under the stress of a limited amount of time, I was unable to locate my off-topic examples or passive language because I needed to churn out an essay in the required amount of time.